AS EVER
… questions without answers
Wednesday Apr. 2, 2014
I knew him all my life.
Struggling still, to better understand him now.
Each day I lose or discard parts of him.
Last bag of condo trash tossed. Some keeper items – rest I’ll be selling – some on Kijji, then a garage sale, probably next weekend.
At my place, two large boxes of papers left. I’ll probably finish today. Each step, each stage – process to be endured, savoured – sifting through keepsakes, trash, old records and unexpected treasures found woven within paper mountains.
I used to tease – threatened I’d spend a weekend clearing closets and emptying drawers of those accumulations, all his stuff (I could never bring myself to do that – wrong message; either I wanted him gone or I expected him to be going soon).
Waiting was best, in ways I never imagined.
His reliance on me stopped abruptly – he didn’t need me, couldn’t ask, no longer required my words or actions.
My reliance on him, more powerful than I imagined, going through adjustment phase . . .
This picture I paint may to some appear bleak and dark, because it contains sadness and grief. Within it there is also gladness and relief.
Happiness broke through, like sun piercing dense cloud on gloomy days.
That sunshine lands on keepsakes and treasures, shows up in laughter at things he kept and smiles at funny bits. Amongst his scattered ‘cards not sent’ collection I found quite a few he’d obviously bought for someone he had strong feelings for but not sent. Among them, several were inscribed ‘As ever, Hubert’.
Mystery – who he intended those for but never gave them to – or did he give one?
Mark Kolke
197,944
column written/ published from Calgary
morning walk: -3C/26F, clearing, calm, snowmelt-humidity hanging in the air. Gusta returned mucky but refreshed. This warming up tempts me to get my bike out of the basement …
Reader feedback / comments always welcome:
Mark, just catching up on my Musings post-vacation and felt obliged, because we have a son in the restaurant service industry, to get his take on your “no tip” action. This is what he wrote: “By not tipping his server he didn't just not give her money, he cost her money out of her own pocket. The percentages are always different at every restaurant, but a server is responsible for tipping out a percentage of their sales (8% at Bolero, 4% at the Keg) regardless of what they make, and some of that tip out is for the kitchen staff. If you work full time in the kitchen it usually equates to roughly $80-$120 every 2 weeks. Could be more to certain people in the kitchen (ie. head chef).”, RH, Calgary, AB
