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LIFE IS GOOD
Thursday Apr. 4, 2018
We lose friends because they move on, or we move on but having a friend die is quite a different experience on so many fronts. It’s only been three days since Barry died, but it’s been twenty years of friendship and that doesn’t feel like it will fade anytime soon.
Trip unplanned, unwelcome, yet therapeutic – if you call attending funerals therapy – in three parts, some chaos before the calm, reflection and feelings in harmony …
Before – the trip, the trip and arriving there. Checking out funeral location, making my way to hotel and getting settled. Walking Denman and Robson Streets, walking beach path of English Bay. Overlooking enormity of the landscape from flight over mountains and valleys, seeing those ocean-going freighters at anchor makes reality of just one man’s life appear tiny and insignificant by most measures of breadth or depth. But not by impact. Reading my book GRIT (thanks RT for that recommendation) emphasizes nuances of talent and experience, of work and dedication. Barry was all that. Thinking about his end triggered so many memories of conversations that revealed so much of him, of who he was, but I didn’t notice that so much at the time because we were always talking about something, some issue, some property, some problem or some person.
During – nearly missed it entirely. After directions from three people who, like me, could not figure how to quickly connect those dots on Google maps; convoluted route to obscure yet perfect location. Barry, ever the car buff, would have measured his success by the lineup of vehicles in the parking lot – BMWs, Mercedes, Jags, Land Rovers, Cadillacs and a Bentley among many above average Acura too. In any event, it was an assembled size that would certify anyone of having lived a kind and generous life. The Rabbi told stories of a fine life lived – he ’d known Barry well, long and deeply and had spent plenty of recent time with him. Sense of humour and kindness, always a suit and tie also ran through other remarks – all three of his children spoke. So many nods and smiles at the praise for his life well lived, but looks also revealed much of his life involved philanthropy and helping struggling students went well beyond what most of us knew.
The Rabbi recalled how Barry has several times commented, in referring to his health issues and impending death, “I’m OK with it”. No anger, no resistance – but acceptance. All of us who knew him are in his debt for the example he set for living and for dying. Those who didn’t know him can only wish that they had …
The service at the cemetery, then moved outside in the rain for burial seemed appropriate. I’m sure Barry would have smiled at all the develop logos on umbrellas. The ritual shoveling in of soil was moving to watch, more moving to participate in. The Rabbi mentioned that act is a last act of kindness we do for someone in life – an act they cannot repay …
After – afternoon, waiting, flight home. So much swimming in this head of mine. Earlier in the day while frenetically struggling to find that cemetery, fearing I would miss it altogether caused me to ponder whether this whole exercise of travelling to attend Barry’s funeral was mistake – or maybe a profound life lesson. I’m still pondering that question.
I have no siblings. If I did, Barry would be like a big brother for me – looking out for me, offering gentle persuasive arguments from time to time. Wise. Experienced. A natural …
Tuesday in Vancouver was a spectacular day – sunshine and blossoms, Wednesday began rainy, walking to get coffee at a Starbucks – looking out at the day starting where Canada meets the ocean at Denman and Davie as people with umbrellas walk their soggy dogs pre-dawn while palm trees and cedars bear witness to an ordinary English Bay morning.
DRAFTED at YVR – awaiting my flight home. I’m checked in, I’m in the right place and nothing could be better. Sitting at the ‘you can plug in here for free kiosk’ I am looking at a display in a shop window. The shop is called Life is Good – Celebrate Life. In the window, a display of shirts, hats and hoodies all saying Life Is Good. Yay!
Reader feedback:
My heart goes out to you! Dearly loving someone that leaves the relationship through dying creates the biggest crater in one’s heart. I went back and read Barry so I could join you in honouring him. All three musings combined, told the ‘bigger picture’ of: life, this bond, this friendship, this beautiful shared journey, this loss...my tears joined yours...feeling so deeply for you this morning. ( and probably myself, remembering my friendship losses). So many relatives are foregoing a funeral, or life celebration now, which is so stupid! I hope your experience today is rich with meaning!, SF, Lethbridge, AB
There is only one that shows up for me 24/7 and that's pain. Suffer every single day. Some worse then others. I would be so very grateful if one day I could have a no pain day. I would be totally elated if that happened. I know it is a dream, but know doubt a dream I would welcome to come true. So for now, I stay positive, grateful for each day I wake up on this side of the grass and carry on each day finding my bliss. I will just keep believing for that dream. - MJ
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