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MOODTATIONS
Tuesday Apr. 5, 2016
Choices are not about facts, or interpretation of facts, but deliberate actions.
Like resolving to eat better, or not hit my ball in the hazard.
Simpler.
Tougher.
TODAY challenges – like distinct adjacent food items on any plate, everything touches everything else! TODAY – difficult decisions, problem solving and resolve to win my Division speech contest tonight. Don’t call them demons or internal conflicts. I have better non-printable words for them …
Flash-backs, equivalent feelings – anxiety before exams or interviews, before picking up that phone or knocking on that door – resolve and strength, always called for …
Easily time-travelling to every moment of internal defeat, fear, uncertainty and self-doubt. Logically, intellectually, I’m through that, past that, grown-out of that. Emotionally, not so much. I expect I’m not alone. (he says, hoping his competitors this evening are similarly on edge).
Always known this, felt this, dealt with it, as we all do – completely alone. Group-think doesn’t work.
Every time I (we) go up against any foe (person, situation, institution or circumstance) – whether right or wrong (or determined, resolved, committed, joyous or angry) this recurring belly-twist angst reveals itself, again. We are well acquainted.
Competition brings out the best in us and makes us face our worst fears (like a bad old movie). Today’s contest is not for supremacy of any meaningful element of humankind, and yet it is. Every action, every reaction – is tested. Bested.
Walking Gusta – thinking-through, email from someone with ‘real problems’ – glorious morning sun re-set my mood. Like most days, long list of easy things and hard things, blur perspective and fill this day with too much, too much, too much …
Mark Kolke
P.S.: Division L contest tonight – details/location
written / published from Calgary, AB
morning walk: 2C/36F, lovely morning – my head somewhere between ground and clouds, Gusta oblivious to all that is happening … she just wanted breakfast!
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