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| METES AND BOUNDS
Thursday, August 18, 2022 - Column #7,093
From here, to over there, then back the other way, across etc. – the metes and bounds of our territory is a concept in land description and an excellent metaphor for many interpersonal connections.
How wide is your right-of-way?
How much space, or latitude, do we afford others?
When pipelines or power lines go under, on, or through a property, the land owner allows that by way of granting a right-of-way, and that right is usually registered on the title to the property as notice to everyone that someone has a right to be there and as notice not to build anything on that path.
I often think our relationships with people in our lives are similar in that some people (family, very close friends) have been granted the right to be there, the right of entry under, in, and above our lives/homes/territory – and that right-of-way is significant. Except it isn’t registered anywhere, and it doesn’t guarantee anything. The rights we grant to others, our boundaries, have limits. Sometimes we allow someone wide latitude, and sometimes our tolerance is narrowed.
Then there are those without a right-of-way but who think they have one – as they neglect our boundaries and feelings. If we are strong, we push them back. If we are weak, we allow them to dominate our relationship. This is not easy, healthy or tolerable. The tricky part of this is we don’t see it clearly when we are up close, and of course, we see it very clearly in the rearview mirror of history.
Boundaries are harder for some of us, significantly so if we grew up in families where we weren’t taught the importance of boundaries and right-way-of thinking.
A fair and reasonable right-of-way among people is neither negotiated nor registered on a property title – it is earned if deserved, and its boundaries are clear.
I didn’t learn about boundaries growing up (not uncommon in families where codependency and addictions are present); when I got sober 35 years ago, I got ‘educated’ about boundaries by my fellow ACOA friends. This is not to say I’ve been error-free in terms of setting boundaries because I’ve made some terrible blunders. Still, I learned one crucial principle: to be clear on my boundaries and worry less about others and boundaries they set – BUT, to respect the boundaries of others, because failure to do so never turns out well. And a p.s. to that, the most important people to respect boundaries with are those we are closest to because those rights-of-way matter most, and too often, we take them for granted. Don’t do that, please.
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