Thursday, December 9, 2021
Most evenings, I have my column ready to publish – usually one I’ve drafted the day before and polished after my morning walk so I can load it for publishing.
Last evening, while pulling that together as I’ve done more than 7,000 consecutive days – it wasn’t working for me. That piece was OK. But barely that. It was neither ready enough nor worthy enough. I didn’t trash it, not yet, it has the makings of something good, but it needs more gestation time and requisite polishing.
I set it aside.
Writing a column is like holding a thought inside – not always polished, not ready to be released, not ready yet. Like that column, I need to set some ideas aside too, or I need to set some things aside to be re-worked, re-invented, polished, then they can be launched and set free …
That’s an interesting contrast, being set aside and being set free.
Words – our words, truths and stories need to be set free, not kept in our head-prison, but let loose to be heard by those who deserve and/or need to listen to them. I’ve experimented with that lately – being more franker with some friends than they are used to hearing from me. They’ve gone silent. That hurts, doesn’t it, when people you care about pull away. It’s not as painful as a family member pulling away, but close. I don’t have many friends, and I have a small family – so I don’t have many to spare.
So what can I share with anyone for today?
A lesson learned from watching an inspirational talk. It wasn’t billed as such, but it inspired me – it was an in-depth interview of someone famous talking about fears we all feel, experiences we all know, and how important it is to wake up from those.
And that talk got me thinking about some things I’ve set aside too long.
I need to set the record straight with some people in my life. I need to explain some things, apologize for some things I’ve done, and ‘not apologize’ for being me. Some of this angst is rooted in something I believe is so common that I can safely say, ‘we all do this’ because I think we all do this, which is to take on responsibility for other people’s feelings.
This is a time of year for planning next year – and I’m doing some of that. Year after year, the same process of plotting a strategy of what to pursue, what to avoid, how to invest time and money, how to trim costs and be more efficient. I like that. And it’s convenient to do it in December when other things are slow.
I skipped a function/party/schmooze-fest last night. I was available. I wasn’t ill. I had the time. But I didn’t go, so I owe the host an apology – I had planned to go, but my head was in another place and needed alone time. I’m sure he will understand.
This column may read as a ramble – something written quickly late at night. Most of all, I’m struggling with and moved by some words someone wrote to me yesterday relating to my Dec. 7 column replies I got – that note said:
“ I was so happy to see that you had some great responses to yesterday’s column. And as I mentioned, I am so proud of your accomplishments, but also of your generosity. Some people would keep that life lesson locked down and secreted away. But you set it free along with offers of support. You are a good man to know!”
The term ‘set it free’ struck me, caught my attention, and a rush of feelings poured out of me – because I have been keeping my story inside, not from everyone, but from some people I haven’t the right to withhold anything from them. That choice – for them to know, or not, should be theirs, not mine.
As we age through life, we write wills and tweak them from time to time, but they deal with the disposition of things accumulated, of assets and money, and they assign responsibilities for who handles the divvying up – but they don’t have much to say to those we leave behind. Wills don’t say what we should have said long ago. They don’t tell stories or secrets that have been set aside, kept secret.
I have some people who deserve explanations, and I need to say some things too, things they should hear now rather than 20-40 years from now. So I will. That decision got made while writing this column. That’s not about polishing, but more about not setting something important aside to be dealt with later.
I’m dealing with it now. It will take some time, but I’ve begun and now feel this is something I carry through – more important than signing a stack of greeting cards or making calls alone.
And, to Alberta residents only: THIRD ACTion Film Festival is doing a 50/50 raffle again – buy a ticket, be a winner + make the pot richer, for a great cause – draw date is Dec. 22nd.