NOTHING IS CERTAIN
Friday, February 10, 2023
I can’t say I know anything for sure, except I’ve learned that having a life full of purpose isn’t much good if you hurt those you love or if you’ve failed to provide what you could have when you should have. I’ve yet to meet many people who cannot identify with that being their situation – both sides of that coin – having not gotten or not given what we could have, should have, and indeed what we would insist on giving or receiving if we could do it all over again.
At this moment, any moment, my mind holds a delusion; it thinks it knows itself …
And every moment of any day, I’m wrong. Not all wrong all the time, but often enough to shake and unsettle myself. Some days that’s a little hard, and many days, it’s unimaginably hard – to say nothing of how hard I may have made it for others along my journey.
My joy is limited, and I know I’ve been selfish – wanting to get and keep the joy in my life, but that’s a mercurial quality; impossible to grasp when you have lots and impossible to find when you’ve lost it and find yourself joyless.
I substitute things to fix what aches, but sometimes nothing works.
A long time ago, that fix was booze, and that set my compass pointed to somewhere between the sewer and a grave. I got sober, but that only solved one problem, albeit a serious one.
Where is my joy today?
To those taking only a superficial look - I'm typical of my type; he works too much/too hard, doesn't play enough or relax enough, is stuck in some old ways and habits, and hasn't changed much since he was a teenager in some ways, and changed from soft to brutal and cynical in others, doesn't take good enough care of his health, his bank account, his obligations, his wishes and hopes. Like most males of his generation, he talks too much about what he does and how he feels without first thinking of others and what they feel. He's a mix of good and half-good, old-school and newthink!
My regret-FULL view is that it must have much to do with not spreading joy to others. Of course, there are other things I won’t write about here, but that ‘not spreading enough joy’ is clearly on my mind too.
Not enough.
Not nearly enough.
I don’t mean throwing it out there like a boomerang expecting a return shipment.
What we give, give off, give away – if it’s good, we should give because the gift is good, and we’re giving something to someone else. To specific people and the world generally. The receipt of any gesture in return is wonderful when it happens, but we should never expect it in return for anything we do.
Not all gifts are welcome, understood or received in the spirit we intended to be attached to them, no matter what words the note included.
Most days, I’m far happier than I am weary or sad, but I’m not immune to the acts, omissions or slights of others – and in that realization, I recognize that works both ways.
Life is never fair, balanced, give/take, or a zero-sum game.
Life is moments of joy.
Life is moments of pain.
Life is always about confusion because no matter how we see any situation or how resolute we are in our feelings – we have to intelligently recognize that we can never see the whole picture of any issue, person, or junction box of converging events.
Relationships are not sure or permanent anymore than broken ones can be fixed, renegotiated, or reinvented. But they are important, crazy-making, and essential …
Sometimes we need to take a break.
Sometimes we need to take a time-out, time away, or give other parties a large portion of time, space, understanding, compassion and empathy – and to do that without any expectation or even hope – however faint our hope we might be. This is not to say we should ever give up on anyone, or lose our caring for those we love, but we all need to know that loving and caring is not always enough because they never are. That’s where hope and patience are supposed to kick in and let’s hope they always do because, without that, we run on empty.
Nothing is certain.
Whether we think we are right or wrong, we are correct!
But whether we are correct, it’s nearly always doubtful that we understand each other, where the other person is coming from, or understand the complexities going on in their daily life. Things we’ve done – real and perceived- might be 1% of what’s wrong or 99%, and we’ll likely never know for certain.
Fear the worst, hope for the best – has to be the resolve or a path to a solution. I see no other way, but I’m open to suggestions …