Gee-WORD DECONSTRUCTION
Wednesday, February 8, 2023
Don’t worry,
That title isn’t meant to infer any connection with an eff word, or to an aiche word coming next.
I grew up in Canada and had the term ‘guilt’ installed in me with a view that it was a bad thing. If you fail to do some expected good thing or right thing, you should feel guilty. Along the way, I met many who shared that general view.
Someone firmly corrected me once – it made sense; I’ve viewed it this way since, “Guilt is when there is a difference between what you said and what the truth is?”
I’ve often shared that view with people who have been explaining to me that they feel guilty about something – it might be not having done something they think they should have done or believe others will think they should have done, so they say, “I feel guilty.” They shouldn’t unless they’ve said one thing and done another thing entirely.
Not following up on something, or not taking action, or not expressing a point of view that deserves standing up for a principle, or all those shoulda-woulda-coulda statements we so easily beat ourselves up about is, perhaps, regret, but not deserving of the gee word.
I counter by asking if they promised someone they would do something, or are you saying you feel guilty because of something you thought you should do or that nobody expected from you?
The answer is almost always: "No, I just think I should have.”
Honest thoughts, but no evidence of anyone being guilty.
Not innocence either, but not what it’s called. In my observations – some people say they feel guilty or apologize for what they failed to do or didn’t think to do, use that guilt term to excuse their action/inaction or avoid thinking hard about something.
That’s a judgmental statement, I know, but I think it is valid more than not, and this brings me to my own head/belly ruminations of late:
Choices made at twenty or thirty were ones I felt strongly about at the time. Just like the ones I made last week, last month and at any time during the previous twenty years – such a wide range of good and bad ones too. A few extraordinary ones and a few disastrous ones too.
Is that justification for feeling guilt now for something we felt fine about way back whenever?
If we’ve learned that we were wrong, sure; but if we’ve learned we were young and stupid – then we are guilty only of being young and of being stupid.
Looking back on my history, which seems to be getting further away and fuzzier as time/distance impacts my view, I think this is accurate: the time I took to act, react, or decide was varied – but mostly pretty quick.
The bone-headed choices, ones fit more in their own category, not so much “What were you thinking?” but more like, “Why weren’t you thinking? Why were you oblivious to obvious things?”
But that’s my assessment, and then there is the assessment others make.
Those, I believe, fall into three groups: those I know about and understand, those I know about but don’t understand, and those I don’t know about at all – therefore, I cannot possibly understand, but if that’s a fact, of course, I want to know.
It’s tough enough to deal with our own self-judgement, and it’s downright cruel to have to deal with the judgement of others. And that’s a door that too often swings both ways.
I’ve had great intentions, cared for others as well as myself, fulfilled responsibilities, and managed to get from seventeen to seventy through work, more pluck than luck, little assistance, sweat, and tears and employers and clients who saw value and integrity. If they had a choice of those qualities or slick, smooth, and always saying the correct and kind thing, I think they’d have voted for value and integrity.
I’ve been great at giving advice.
And lousy at accepting any I didn’t readily agree with when I heard someone else's take on what I ought to be thinking. I’ve always reeled at someone telling me what I shoulda-coulda done.
But time ticks, our time/capacity to do what we might have done, turning back clocks thirty years seems unlikely to happen, and suddenly the combination of energy, motivation and urgency that might have served well long ago if we’d only known, so many different choices we might have made. We’d got many of those wrong too, but all we can do is drive ourselves a little crazy by rethinking all the things than cannot be redone.
I don’t mean undone.
I mean, done better and better feelings all around.
We understand our sports, crafts and art projects – because each time we draw or paint, hit a bucket of balls, or write a line that matters, we try to do it better.
With practice, that repetition gives us the impression we are improving – but practice does not make perfect; it tends more to make permanent.
Like the wheel that rolls easiest in a familiar path when it’s grassy and dry, but not so much when worn into a rut and it’s raining hard …
We are here.
And over here, and over there, hear we are!
I was reminded by two friends recently, and emphatically that I’m a good person. Not everyone thinks that of me, and for all the strangers out there, I can’t do much about that.
I also know it’s human nature; when knowing someone or think we know them well, it’s really hard to move the needle – to move someone’s feelings and perceptions because those feelings are rooted in what they’ve seen and felt, and you can’t undo what people have seen and felt. Through the long tube rear view mirror, I can see clearly now – not so much about yesterday, but about a long time ago, that’s in sharper relief than ever.
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