Looking back not very, recalling several years of difficulty, the world wasn’t having much trouble, but I was.
Then things changed.
Things got better for me. Much better.
Lately, all I can say to describe my situation is much better yet.
What, exactly, got better?
Easy to describe – better finances, improved health, more R&R, business percolating – but I think those are really symptoms of what is beneath.
I struggle also to call it struggle.
Though there has been plenty.
Inadequacy of my own self-expectations dogged me – and that seemed to correlate to that period of difficulty. I’ve looked for answers to that why? question.
I wrestled with connections with my role in my dad’s life, his declining health, tail-end of life. As I scolded myself to not allow those to excuse issues I struggled with.
Looking back I am seeing that more clearly.
I could have done more. Perhaps I should have done more. I did what I did and there is no changing that.
Since then, I’ve done what I’ve done.
I’ve done good.
I’ve done better.
I’ve not done my best yet, but I’ve returned to a feeling (and believing) that my best days are not behind me, but ahead of me. A feeling, for the first time in my life, that something greater than I’ve ever imagined is possible. That’s heady feeling.
Got no ’dea yet what that might be.
It is around some corner one day soon.
Never have I been more emotionally exhausted, more expectant, that I can recall. Ever.
Not a temporary euphoria.
Isn’t coping strategy for my insecurities.
It is entirely about expectations.
column written/ published from Calgary, AB
morning walk: 7C/44F, mild again/still, clear sky and the rumble of morning traffic greeted us as we were ‘a little late’ this morning – Gusta was very anxious to get to do her business, chagrined that her owner had slept very late ...
I could actually see the huge grin on your face in today's newsletter. Put a smile as big as Dallas on my face also. My yesterday met a goal and even surpassed it. The down side to living in a forest is that winter drops a ton of leaves that will not go away by themselves. We have been anticipating a downpour that will fill our very thirsty pond, but all those leaves were preventing the runoff from getting to the pond. Well, my friend, six days of raking and burning resulted in a clear path down the 1/2 acre from the house to the pond. I even made a dent in the drainage ditch and it flowed today carrying the much needed liquid home for our perch and crawfish. I am sore and tired but oh so happy. Life is good in the Big Thicket of Texas, oh so good! GW, Bon Wier, Tx.
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