SAY THE RIGHT THING
Saturday, July 30, 2022
It should be simple to say the right thing, and then to do the right thing.
These concepts are drilled into us in childhood – to be forthright and honest, be kind and decent, and that our actions should match our words. Sadly these concepts have been distorted along the way as exhibited daily by government bureaucracies and political machines (note, they do the same twisty-shite, but for different reasons), boardrooms and c-suites everywhere. Strong-man politics on the geopolitical stages get headlines and our disdain while smiling sweetly for their grip ‘n grin photos, and there are too many pretenders hiding being platitudes and do-gooder-ism in the public eye while their actions and words mouth terms like social license and ESG.
Saying the right thing, knowing the right thing to say and when to say it is tricky business for all of us and it mutates depending on the situation, the message we wish to convey, the location, the person(s) privacy and state of mind – to say nothing of our state of mind.
We can also stay silent or delay what we say to another day because another day, we’ll want to say it a different way. That’s good/bad practice because some things need/beg saying something immediately. But when that urgency isn’t there, pausing isn’t usually harmful, whereas blurting out something sharp or critical might be better reserved for another time/place, a calmer mood, and allowing the gathering/absorbing of additional information.
But what if someone just got a horrible diagnosis, or someone close to them died – what then? Do you wait, avoid, delay, or pick up the phone?
A dear friend who died several years ago taught me a valuable lesson. It was her 3rd go-round with cancer in less than a decade. I heard it was back, in force, and someone used the term Stage 4. I didn’t know what that meant, but it sounded really bad. I wanted to call but had no clue what to say. I called, and Neil said he’d check to see if she was up for a call but doubted she was. A short while later, he’d maneuvered the long long long cord and phone to her bed, so we spoke.
I began by explaining I was without a clue of what to say, what to ask, or how to do this – but I knew I had to call. Despite Neil’s foreboding, Barbara and I talked for more than an hour before she admitted to being too tired to talk anymore. We talked and laughed a lot about her cancer and what is was doing to her body and brain – and then we gossiped about people we had in common in the organizations we’d worked with together, reminisced about our successes, and talked about our kids.
We discussed many ‘yet to be done’ things on which we shared a passion and commitment. That was one of the best conversations we had in more than twenty years. She died a few days later. I often reflect on those experiences we had together, on that call, and on the lessons in that call. I treasure that memory and appreciate her investment of time to, among other things, make me feel better – and to reinforce the lesson.
We need to call.
Or at least right, not just when it’s the last time or nearly too late, so ask this: who should I call, who should I visit, who should I write to – not because we need it, but because they need it, deserve it, and because we’ll never regret the experience. And we know, for all the times we’ve not called or taken any action, those ‘nothing’ actions are ones we regret, and too often, we regret them too late.
In the end, it gets complicated regarding what we are saying or why, but we rarely advance anything as friends or citizens by sitting on our hands and saying nothing.
Reader feedback:
It’s a bit disheartening though to see some of the rocks our generation and those before us managed to push almost to the top of the hill have been unceremoniously kicked and are careening their way back to the bottom. It will be okay though; pebbles are easier to move and I have hope that our young and zealous grandchildren will help get them back to the top, HM, Calgary, AB