DIAGNOSIS
Saturday, July 9, 2022
I’ve learned some essential things lately, culminating in relief of considerable built-up tension yesterday – confirmation that I have what I thought it was and that it wasn’t something else, something scary.
OK, it’s a bit scary, but mostly the ‘unfamiliar territory’ kind. And nothing to cause alarm for anyone – because cheering me on is probably the more likely reality.
Understanding any one thing well, I mean thoroughly and deeply, requires that it be something we care about and want to understand – otherwise, I doubt we’ll dig very deep or have our attention captured for very long. And understanding anything very deeply requires access to knowledge and a desire to know and understand the truth about something.
My vacillation continued in my head as I tried to get a grip on something I’ve learned recently – a family member alerted me, and my race-to-know has been pretty speedy. I’ve talked to quite a few people, read plenty, spoke with some experts, talked to my doctor, and filled out screening forms to help conclude what I’ve known from the day someone told me …
At my age, the word diagnosis is becoming a curse word for far too many people.
As I’ve been reading about, and thinking a lot about, ADHD lately, I’m pausing between my distractions to take care of some long-overdue communications with far too many people who’ve fallen off my radar screen (and, no doubt, I’ve fallen off theirs too) – to reconnect, to resurrect a correction would be a better description, while knowing I’m offering an explanation as much as, or more than, an apology for ‘the past me’ as I come to terms with ‘the present me.’
It no longer seems weird to make lists, write sticky notes and do dozens of other things to keep track of my work and my life – now, with the realization, I MUST do that until I can settle and focus better.
I’ve got to do 50+ years of different, and do it now!
But I wonder, if I’d been diagnosed and treated as a child, would my life have been something I would recognize today? Sure, I’d be the same person – but my experiences could have been wildly different through better decisions, better focus, and better outcomes.
And if you go down that rabbit thought-hole, then relationships/marriage/children might have been different choices entirely – and that’s where I have to stop the imagination; NOTHING could be better than what I have.
The wrestle inside my head lately has been instructive in several ways – not fun, but valuable – as I come to grips with some issues, ones I’m not been up for talking about publicly just yet. Some self-education, some adjustment, and some re-thinking EVERYTHING every day is helpful.
To those in my life who know and understand, thank you for your support and understanding. None of this ‘new understanding’ means I am excused from past bad behaviour or failure to keep promises – I’m guilty of all that, but now I have a better understanding of myself.
Yes, understanding me, for the first time.
And I have to wonder, since it’s very common in children and increasingly being identified in adults, why nobody pointed this out before, or why I never stumbled across it as ‘it could be me too’ …
It’s nothing new.
I’ve been on this wavelength all my life, but nobody noticed until recently. No parent, teacher or colleague – no boss, no neighbour, nor any doctor.
Someone pointed out to me some information about ADHD.
They assumed that I already knew …
But I had no idea.
My understanding of ADD and ADHD was that it was something children were diagnosed with and that occasionally there was controversy in the headlines about ADHD drugs being administered to too many kids who were just boisterous. Beyond that, I was ignorant.
Imagine, at my age, learning I have this disorder – and realizing I’ve had it all my life.
And to my long-time readers, this is probably no mystery – well, it is official now: I have ADHD.
At first, I asked many questions that didn’t come with answers.
Like, how would life have been different? What paths would I have taken, what other choices might I have made – but that’s a fool’s errand. I don’t want to change my history or change who I am. Still, the ‘what if?’ question pokes up too …
Going forward will, I expect, be a mix of drugs, reading, and possibly some counselling – but first, I have to learn some things. Do I tolerate the drug? Is the dosage correct for me? Will I notice a difference immediately, slowly, or not at all? Will the change be positive, or not? Will I be able to tell?
And, more important than those short-term learnings, how will this knowledge of ADHD and a drug treatment make me better able to run my life and my work?
Maybe my writing too?
All my life, I’ve been aware that drug therapies take time, and when I’ve been given medications in the past, I had an expectation of a slow ramp-up of having the drug in my system …
Well, this is different.
The initial dosage probably won’t change till I see my doctor again in a couple of months.
I was told a daily dose lasts about 14 hours in your system. I left my doctor’s office yesterday, sped to the pharmacy and was taking my first pill by 10:30. I felt nothing immediately – that’s good, I think.
A quick google search says ’90 minutes to kick-in’, and it did!
As my doctor advised, I might feel a little buzz, like the kind you get from drinking too much coffee, and she was right.
I can happily report – Day 1 – feeling better. The biggest issue for me is focusing, and I noticed a difference immediately.
If this does nothing else for me, WOW, that’s a lot.
Realistically, too soon to tell, but so far, no side effects I notice and no ill-feelings. My doctor expressed some concern this treatment might spike my blood pressure, but on a balance of probabilities, this is the better choice. A bit of a shock at the pharmacy – this stuff ain’t cheap! Thank goodness for Blue Cross.
Readers of my column may have sensed a trend lately along the ‘figure out Mark’s head’ theme, and how it works because I’ve been learning a lot.
But I didn’t want to say “I have ADHD” until I had some certainty. Several friends, a couple of psychologists, and my doctor confirmed yesterday, what I’ve known from the day after it was pointed out to me, that I have ADHD.
It’s called a brain disorder. It’s not a disease, it’s not something you get, and it seems you can’t remove it. I’m told that research and brain scans prove that ADHD brains process things differently – not right or wrong, not faster or slower, but differently. The drug therapy slows down the hamster wheel and air-traffic controller frenzy in my head to allow me to focus better without a hundred rabbit holes of distraction to send me off in many directions in avoidance of something I need to get done.
While I’ve always considered myself a master of scheduling and creative postponement, it has become clear to me that these ‘techniques’ of mine are simply coping strategies to make sure I don’t lose track of things, and so I don’t forget things.
But, inevitably, too many things get promised and not delivered. And it’s not for lack of a work ethic.
For clients, friends, and drive-by acquaintances – it’s the same old me with an altered perspective; health isn’t in jeopardy if that is anyone’s concern. I’m healthier and happier than I’ve been in a long time.
Some learning is taking place that is valuable for me, and I think it will be beneficial for others to connect with me to discuss ADHD if they have it too or suspect they might. I’m learning that in many ways, it’s not a handicap but an advantage, so treatment and experience will likely transform many things for me, and spreading the word might help others who’ve suspected they or a family member have ADHD, so I’ll be happy to share my experience.
Yesterday was Day 1 – a very good day on many fronts, and exciting
Today is Day 2 – looking forward to a better day in many ways
Going forward, I’ll be writing (and saving) my thoughts on this experience.
Who knows, maybe there is a book in it?
For Musing readers, I’ll chime in from time to time with an ADHD report, but otherwise, I want to resume writing my columns as I have been for nearly 20 years – and only time will tell if the writing changes because it will likely reflect changes in my view of the world and of others.