CONFESSION
Thursday Mar. 7, 2019
This period is transitional, I know that – I’ve been purposefully shifting many things around in my work and creative life, determined to break my log jam. At moments it feels clear and well thought through. Just as easily I could argue the equivalency of re-arranging deck chairs on some doomed boat because no matter what I do things won’t change. Seems pretty negative …
My norm, my inclination and my reputation is for being positive and upbeat, being enthusiastic and putting a largely optimistic spin on everything tough which might be happening to me or those in my orbit – recognizing we are all plowing a tough row.
I saw a cartoon the other day, chickens coming home to Proust. I nearly fell of my chair but realized so few would find that amusing. A friend recommended a Netflix series, RAKE, which is too outrageous for most people who find foul language, ‘adult content’ and poking hypocrisy in the eye offensive – but I kept saying “brilliant”. Not just for the acting which is very good but for the writing which is brilliant, outrageous and fantastically surreal. I binge-watched five seasons in four days. I got energy from it …
Someone called on a recent Friday to ask, ever so cheerfully, how things were going, to which I had no joyous reply. I hate that, when so much of life is going well and sun is shining – that all I could do just then was think dark thoughts. Dark place that day, and that might pass soon. Someone recently commented that I’m in my head a lot. Right now I’m in my belly a lot, and feeling very unsettled.
We all stand here, alone – couple or not, shackled or not – roaming free or feeling imprisoned – we are all alone in this human race we are running. Not playing with words here or trying for funny but I find it absurd to be completely alone in life while wishing I wasn’t, completely clear and solid in most moments yet halfway un-hinged the next.
