I’ve pondered – finding partner/mate, right person to date, exploring – to arrive at a place/decision, moment in time of saying: “ah+ha, this is she!” Having her, at same time/place saying: “ah+ha, he’s for me!”
You can see I am deluded.
You can see why I’m convinced I can be a great fiction writer, because I can hold this fantasy in my head and not go crazy at the same time.
A recent Saturday morning, contemplating snowy walk, gym trip, doing errands vs. hunkering down in warm socks with hot coffee to stare out at the world, to make some serious progress on all that work laid out neatly on my dining room table – triaged by importance – most critical to least, each addition/deletion re-ordering what comes next, what comes after next, what still matters most.
Then it hit me.
In my work – for play, for pay, for volunteering, for organizational things, for BHAG’s – priorities are constantly shifting sand, each step alters my landscape slightly, each next step becomes a little bit different because of that one before. Fine. I’ve become so used to that …
Searching for ‘woman hunt’ clarity, I’ve never exercised that sort of shifting/sifting, re-thinking. I vacillate in reconciling the very notion of settling down with someone – not so much about settling (as in compromising) but about become rooted when so much of my being has an urge for wandering (as in exploring). Opportunities are everywhere. I don’t want to limit my actions/thinking to where I am today. Or tomorrow. Caught in this dilemma – between need/desire for comfort and drive/thrive of discomfort.
Not between rock and hard place – but perhaps stuck.