INTERNAL EMOTIONAL KNOB
Tuesday Nov. 18, 2014
Life has glitches. Steering between ditches leaves me troubled, irritated, furious – emotions experienced – too many variations to not be considered my expert opinion:
Internal emotion-knob, three settings: things go right, almost right and just plain wrong.
Folks I’ve seen before – or those I see today, peering out to sea, to see, to appreciate some vision of joy or grief, hopefulness or despair.
I’ve witnessed aimless looks, sobbing-ones, lonely looking ones, alone ones, coupled ones, solitary ones – bereft of something. Or someone.
Looking-out, seeing their world from here.
Some, first time.
Some for their last.
Caught, like wet paint action figures splashed upon daily canvas, torn between blissful and fearful measures – all things going well, and complete disaster – I prefer less navigating. Not to say I crave middle-ground, safe ground or familiar territory.
I don’t like drama, but I embrace risk as fuel for so much of what makes me tick. I admit to enjoying danger’s exhilaration – but it seems most satisfying when danger has narrowly passed . . .
There is something bubbling away inside – nothing I can put a finger or keystroke on yet.
Beneath my surface, some kind of breakthrough. Not a ‘new product’ or new book, but more of a new viewpoint on life, on its foibles.
Meaning, of life.
Meaning of self.
Few find peace with it.
Fewer find an explanation.
Inside me, there is something to be spilled, like seed for fertile soil.
Something will grow to be, something new, something like me.
Those glitches, those nit-picky itches, daily troubles – those are nothing.
Inside us, deep, there is a place for having and feeling everything.
column written/ published from the Maui Kamaole, Kihei, Maui, HI
morning walk: 23C/73F, clear, gentle breeze, some clouds out there where horizon shakes hands with the sky – beach traffic light, familiar faces on the beach and jogging the road, we are past ‘first days paleness’, feeling at home. And home is far away, far less perfect, because if you can’t think of perfection here, then you REALLY need a holiday …
Reader feedback / comments always welcome:
Mark, I read your column today and it resonated with me (as usual) - in particular - When we are open - say we are open, feel we are open, want to be open - what is it exactly that we are open to? What are we open for? I stopped going to a group therapy session that I've been going to for a year now last week. I stopped because quite honestly I'm fearful about whatever I discover about myself in that group - I don't want to act upon. I live a comfortable life and I don't want to change it. You should sit down and write that letter to your daughter. I don't know why your relationship has soured, but the power of your written word might very well heal it. If not, perhaps it will give you peace. Have a good day, RP, Toronto, ON
Evening walk....minus 4, a 30 km NW wind. Cold....brrrrrr , TL, Calgary, AB
Hi there - when I hadn't seen your column in my mailbox by 1, I checked online to find it was posted. Perhaps you forgot to do the email distribution? Hope you're having a marvelous time. Sounds like you've had a lot of time to think about Krista..... We're finally out of the deep freeze, hovering around 0 most days this week. Enjoy the warmth!, CM, Calgary, AB