I REALLY EFFED-UP
Sunday, Nov. 24, 2019
We’ve all had the ‘near-miss’ event, when we almost cut off our finger with a carving knife, nearly drove into the path of an oncoming train …, you know, that kind of thing. Absent-minded, not in keeping with our usual level of intelligence or alertness.
Some near-miss events are physical, some are ‘of the mouth’, that thing we almost said, that reply we almost uttered, that really horrible attempt at being funny …
Sometimes we don’t miss – we nick ourselves with the knife, crunch a fender, or blurt out something we cannot stuff back down our throats. It would be so fantastic if we had an ‘instant-rewind’ button on our brains, our mouths … etc.
And sometimes, we hit our thumbnail with the hammer – or wish that was all we had done:
Well, it’s a new day.
Time for a new way.
Another time.
This time, we’ll do better.
Next time we won’t make that mistake.
Changing our terminology, changing our viewpoint, changing our attitude, changing our way of doing things – how we get our point across, how we form a different point of view, let alone express that new view, is a difficult transition of thinking, and believing. And behaving. While I am not sympathetic to Neanderthal-ic knuckle-dragging, there needs to be some space between old and new, between backward and forward. Space where we give each other a break, where we tolerate the pace of someone’s changing being out of step, or too slow. Sure, it’s wrong that they haven’t changed completely, articulately, and overnight. Yes, it is wrong. But it is also understandable.
What we see every day cannot excite anyone, or am I missing something?
Our news media seems to be on overload about everything from Don Cherry being Don Cherry, Donald Trump being Donald Trump, and western Canadians feeling alienated by our central Canadian overlords.
In the petty politics of every corner of the country, someone without an opinion is rare. How we treat each other is remote from kindness, how we attack or speak ill of others is as common as table salt and used as indiscriminately. I seek neither to attack nor defend anyone.
Instead, I advocate for a return to a kinder, softer, more considerate posture – which is not to suggest we should ignore inappropriate, racist, or misogynist behavior, but that we look behind us first. Before we throw stones at those glass houses, a peak in the mirror, and a look over our collective shoulders is warranted.
We all rage and rant against things. Rightly so. Our youthful passion doesn’t fade with age, but we learn there is more than one way to make change happen. As I get further down the path of life, I find more, not less, opportunities for outrage. Some of that outrage is for people who think the way I used to think, who say things I used to say, who behave as I once did. Haven’t we all come around – not for political-correctness sake – but from being better enlightened?
We learned things in childhood – in the sandbox, over the dinner table, in front of the TV – which were normal then, but inappropriate today. We learned ways of speech, attitudes, and ethics from our families, from our teachers, and from our leaders of the day.
Next time we won’t make that mistake.
This time, we’ll do better.
Another time.
A new way.
Well, it’s a new day.
I wrote what you’ve just read on a day which could have been dark, but it was bright. I had an event occur which shocked me – some well-orchestrated foes were aligned, took a position, and gave their ultimatum. I declined to buy in, refused to do as they asked. I took a decision, took action, and experienced two things which were unexpected by-products – but as it turned out, they were two gem-like rewards I never imagined.
The first was immediate and visceral. I felt good. Not euphoric, but really good. Really strong. Really surprised. As I had wrestled with an issue for several days, knowing that decision point would likely come, I had no idea how much tension would be released. Now, if I could figure out how to bottle that …
The second was the friends who reached out with words of surprise, alarm, comfort, and genuine concern. One supposed friend reached out to spew some shite. The rest who had been advised of my decision were silent. Somewhere once, I read a great quote, which I cannot recall or find – but the issue was one of ‘what happens when shite happens’ … and that is when you find out who your friends are. In this experience, I don’t think that is true. I know who my friends are. This was different – it showed me what some people are made of, and by their actions, they have endeared themselves to me in an extraordinary way. Ernie, Kelly, Matt, and Chuck, then Val, then Mahmoud – you are kind, caring, and exemplify characteristics of decency which stands proud against an empty landscape of those sideline-silent types. You are my heroes.
After seventeen years, I have exited Toastmasters and all the trappings, involvements, and obligations of that endeavor. Some will unkindly remark that it was my own fault, as if I’d stepped on an anticipated landmine. On the contrary, I’d had a 10-second lapse of judgment – said something I should not have said and disagreed with a remedy alternative; or rather, ‘powers that be’ disagreed with my remedy proposal, electing to decide something in a way I found unacceptable. I won’t choose to label it or blame persons or groups of persons, but clearly to me: they didn’t get they wanted and did not want to negotiate a solution. I was prepared to negotiate. Not a lot, but a little. Sometimes we can’t solve a problem with movement, can’t make something better by splitting-the-difference. Compromise is not a reward or victory, it is compromise.
I didn’t compromise. I am so happy with myself for that decision. I am so grateful for those who, without taking a side or a position – they didn’t have a dog in this fight, but just the same they came to my aid, they are my super-heroes. Their gesture to me, their kindness to me, cements a relationship as two-way, not one, as toward better humanity, not untoward … .
Yes, I really effed up. I would love to have ‘not done so’, but there is a silver lining in this cloud – perhaps a platinum one; I have found among a large group, a sub-set of individuals whose character shone through those cloudy days. I am in their debt for both their extended hands of friendship, but also for their demonstration of character I might not otherwise have seen. Goody goody …
Reader feedback:
Seems like it’s about that time. Time for a change. Things are changing all around us every day and it’s challenging to keep up. The question is, do we really need to, or just want to? If so, why? To me Change has always represented opportunity. The question then becomes, an opportunity for what? It used to be a matter of business where being on the bubble or even a bit ahead of it was a competitive advantage and financial gain was the issue. Now, not so much. That old chestnut about life being like a river and how you can never step in to the same water twice springs to mind. It’s true. That said, what’s wrong with sitting by the river and watching the flow? Pause and reflect, or maybe just get on a raft and float with the current, enjoy the scenery, catch a fish now and then. Remember those past with the joy they brought us and not sadness at the inevitable. Sail on in to the sunset..., DM, Okotoks, AB/Mexico
