WHEN WE WERE TAUT
Saturday, October 16, 2021
I seek answers to questions that are difficult to frame – answers to questions that then beg more questions. I don’t only mean the existential ones we wrestle to no avail – “why are we here?”, “what is the meaning of life?”
Some writers and philosophers address those issues better than others, but even the Frankl and Einstein-types emerge empty-handed.
I’m talking more about how we’ve become who we are, how we can manage and shift who we are – being better in some way, of course, but better understood by others. But, foremost, to be better understood by ourselves. The more I walk down this path, I want to break into a sprint – not because I fear getting awful news too soon, but from the belief, hopefully, I’ll get better results sooner.
Yes, of course, it seems like I’ve used the wrong word in my title of this column.
Did you notice?
Maybe not the wrong word, but not the one you expected.
Taut, to be tight.
Taught means someone helped us learn.
Most days, I feel much tauter than I feel taught – in terms of neck-stress, brain-freeze, schedule gridlock and determining, or perhaps redefining my purpose in life.
I’ve had few true-epiphany moments. Many faux-epiphanies seemed that way in their moment, but few were life-altering self-realizations. I recall becoming a father – both times, overwhelmed by the magical creation of a human. Vivid memories of the year I got sober, pulling out of a deep nose-dive, allowed to live again.
Having said that, I also realize I’ve lived too much of my life treading water, going through motions and repeating what worked without addressing that which hadn’t. Most of what I’ve done – perhaps what many of us do – is repeat our behaviours because we find that most comfortable, and change seems risky. The truth we all know, but fail to act on, is that staying unchanged is the riskier proposition. We understand risk/reward externally, but do we know it internally?
Lately, the combination of some new learning, new experiences, and the influence of some new players in my life have been both individually and collectively powerful.
The test, I suppose, is whether there is staying power to these shifts in thinking, of being, and whether first impressions bear out what I feel right now, which is a combination of value-rethinking, self-examination, self-love, and selfless loving that hasn’t been part of my experience – ever – to this degree.
Taut, moving toward taught.
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