SAY IT, pause, SAY IT AGAIN
Monday, September 12, 2022 - column #7118
I had a note in my diary to tell the ‘WOW, that’s big news!’ story. I thought one day, when I lacked other inspiration, or on a day when I found myself biting nails and wanting to chew glass with anger, knowing I should restrain myself – yesterday was the day, so I wrote this column for today in the hope you enjoy this little story of how a magical little phrase and timing can come together to save the day …
While on vacation in eastern Canada, my then-wife (now known as my 2nd ex-wife) and I were in Toronto for a few days – news from home, the big news that day was the Pine Lake tornado. I looked it up; it was July 14, 2000. It was the following morning, July 15th, when our phone rang.
Or rather, my wife had a phone call – she was told a secret by her sister, which she, in turn, told me immediately and then swore me to secrecy. Her family was big on talking about secrets but poor at keeping them. The secret du jour was that her son had just learned his girlfriend was pregnant, they were planning to have and keep the baby, that he would be phoning – and he was frightened about how his mother would react. This news suddenly overtook the room and eclipsed the horrific news of the destruction overnight at Pine Lake.
If you can imagine one of those cartoons – I believe it was the Tasmanian devil whirling in place with smoke some coming out of its ears, you can imagine the scene of my then wife at a time when we were having difficulty getting along and in early stages of the demise of our short marriage – she was reaching out to me for advice. What to say, what to do, how to handle things and most of all, how to keep her composure and not let on when he called that she already knew his news and expected his call.
And, more importantly, in my mind, to give him space to talk – to afford only comments she would not later regret to come out at such an essential moment worthy of celebration in their lives, the announcement of the impending arrival of a child, of a grandchild, and to keep that composure while not losing one’s mind …
I was, probably for the first and only time I recall, called upon by my spouse for sage advice, for wisdom, for the right words to use in this situation which was – based on the ‘secret call’ warning – to be imminent.
It came to me quickly. I said, “Gasp, pause, then say- WOW, that’s big news! … pause, and say it again, WOW, that’s big news! – and then shut up and let him tell the story.” Without quarrelling or asking for other suggestions, that’s precisely what she did when the phone rang next. The call went so peacefully and was full of laughter and tears – on both ends, I was told. I was thanked repeatedly for my advice.
I’ve used this phrase and technique many times since then, of giving myself time to think – time to rein-in emotions and not let a knee-jerk reaction spoil a moment or a relationship, to my benefit.
What has been an unexpected byproduct of telling this story many times is the number of times I get a call from someone telling me they used my technique and successfully diffused an emotional bomb before it exploded.