OUT AND ABOUT DOUBT
Sunday Apr. 14, 2013
Part admiration of scenery, part childhood memories of watching winds paint skies like clouds as if they were action figures, part the noisy silence of the wind which is amazingly calming.
There are few things as therapeutic as driving in southern Alberta ranch country, away form the city where weather and countryside, foothills and mountains, a busy head and a fast car – can all collide with solitude. A glorious collision in a place where wet wind in your face reminds you that you are so vitally alive, where horse run and cows meander because it is just another day of life. Driving fast, or parked devouring that spectacle with my eyes – there are few experiences that match it.
Two hours each way (silence outbound, CBC radio coming back) like bookends around those four hours among my contemporaries and a very acceptable rubber-chicken lunch …
On a cloudy spring day before green has come, ranch country would be any photographer’s flat-light paradise, wind pushing the sky around, hillsides of fields waiting to be worked, hilltops of unparalleled beauteous views – what more wondrous inspiration could one want?
Borrowed ideas. Fine – I poach wherever, whenever, I can, but those organic ones bubble to surface at moments of self-discovery, self-expose, self-discovery that can – thankfully, overcome self-delusion, self-centered, self-doubt, self-stupidity, self-aggrandizement, self-pity and self-ishy things of all kinds.
Oh-sure, it was just another day.
Another day to so many, like me, might ordinarily have not noticed it’s passing.
For me, day of renewal and clarity, validation and vitality, and then I slept well on a bed of sweet dreams . . .
Sometimes, it seems, when I’m not looking for something specific – the very thing I need just arrives.
This probably happens more often – being oblivious and self-absorbed so often, I miss them – so it is nice to notice.
I wasn’t shopping for inspiration, but found some.
I wasn’t shopping for solutions to anything, but found some.
I was on a mission yesterday – but hesitated; pondering, should I stay home, work on the many things accumulated, or, should I go to Lethbridge notwithstanding predictions of foul weather (to watch Division Toastmaster contests there, in part to support friends who were competing, in part to scout competition)?
The winner, someone I may end up competing against soon asked of my comments, if I was ‘trying to get into his head’ rather than accepting some ‘thoughts for improvement’ at face value, just one guy offering a suggestion for improvement.
Roles reversed, would I have similar skepticism?
Probably, because he would have been doing the same to me – offering help, but hoping to trip each other up if we could, steal from each other if we could.
We smiled, knowing that each of us would happily out-maneuver, and quite possibly overlook something more important in the process. (I was recalling that axiom Henry Flagler used to keep on his desk: ‘do unto others as they would do unto you, only do it first’)
I don’t like his somehow – but when I try to explain why, what those things are that annoy me, it is a bit like looking my mirror. It is exactly like my mirror!
Realizing that, driving home, brought me to a calm place because I’ll use that.
Not just in the speech I’m working on, but I’ll use today.
And tomorrow.
I was looking for an idea, thought I found it in Lethbridge, but listening to an interview on the radio, heard a line quoted that inspired me more, a quote by George Eliot:
“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”
I didn’t do any work yesterday, yet I feel much was a accomplished. I returned home, did a stop/visit with my dad for a while, came back to an e-mail medley of mystery, intrigue, silly and inane – didn’t feel like dialogue, opted for Indian food over work, opted for sleep over play, I can do all I have to do today, or tomorrow . . . and it will never be too late!
Mark Kolke
295,204
column written/ published from Calgary
morning walk: -4C / 25F , lots of snow overnight, still falling, Gusta romping of course and loving it, her coat entangled with hundreds of clumps of white – perfectly foolish day to be outside – perfect for hunkering down to work, for watching the 4th round of the Masters, writing a bit . . .
Comments Received:
My projects are all valuable intrinsically. They are all financially sound, as sound as non-profit can be. Fun - rarely - but this doesn't change their value at all. My projects may have changed me, though ..., IMF, back home in Jakarta, Indonesia
I just read your blog and have a question. Why is it necessary to ponder so much, why not just let things take their course? I'm not saying not to put any effort into what ever particular projects you have in mind but I think analyzing every thought is a good way to go crazy!!, JS, Edmonton, AB
