START WITH THE END IN MIND
Saturday, August 20, 2022
I was in conversation with a friend recently – discussing her struggle with a decision not to continue with a commitment to an organization, one made in good faith but one for which the commitment to continue isn’t there …
Our to-and-fro email discussion dealt not so much with the decision but more with a tricky challenge we all encounter in priority setting, recognizing that when we feel tugged in too many directions at once, we face a choice process that can frustrate our feelings.
The concept of competing values was explained to me a long time ago by someone involved in land use planning on public forestry lands in Alberta, known as the ‘green area’ on their maps – explaining the competing values that overlaid one another. Wildlife, the forest as a natural environment and ecosystem, human lives, economic development, forestry companies, the province, environmentalists, agriculture, and indigenous groups with land claims.
And there were more …
The point of that education for me, and for the context of my discussion with that friend, is understanding each competing interest in its own right. How it connects with/conflicts with the other competing interests – and in that context, it’s all real.
In our heads, some of our competing interests/values/responsibilities-puzzle are tangible – people, places, homes, jobs, money, social circles, interests, hobbies, causes, and passions. They are never equal.
They are all important, not equal, and often overlapping.
Granted, many are essential to us and unimportant to others. Yet, few are equally crucial for everyone, even if faced with identical circumstances, because we are the variable. We charge ourselves with choice-making and hold ourselves to a demanding standard. We must be self-satisfied with the outcome of that choice-making.
So, where lies a good answer?
It’s easier, perhaps, to wonder, “What is the question?”
We can only decide for ourselves and those we are responsible for (children, pets, employees, community – or when these challenges face us in our work, then the dynamics are similar, but the stakeholders change). But part of that conundrum, I believe, is first finding out what WE want.
There will be an endpoint from a decision that considers all the competing values, which is the product of arguments and considerations, but it helps to first define the endgame, to start with the end in mind. That’s likely not an outcome as much as a feeling of comfort, resolution, or an intellectual process of ‘getting to there’ – and if we don’t get there, our situation remains unresolved, or we have a decision-remorse/hangover to wrangle.
I can’t decide how to interact with the world, do worthy work, or help those who need/want my efforts if I don’t begin with a clear sense of where I’m standing and what I stand for. And while I may talk about ‘things I want to do’ or ‘dreams I want to fulfill,’ I have to start that values check with a reality check.
What do I want to do?
How do I choose to go about it?
What does success look like?
What does failure look like? (I know that’s harsh, but we can’t boldly go anywhere with confidence if we are blind to the risks and pitfalls).
Everyone has their turn trying to juggle many things and priorities to negotiate with others in their orbit (work, home, family, community). So everyone knows how hard it is to do well and how easy it is to give up or short-change ourselves.
Yes, we want it all, but that’s a hope-I-win-the-lottery wish.
When we are young, we want what we believe we can have.
As we get older and wiser, we move from material wants to accomplishment wants – but beyond career ambitions to what we can do for others, for our family and community. What we can contribute to this six billion-year-old world in the fleeting 100 years we are here.
What gets lost along this tricky path of intersecting connective tissue of issue, the times we live in, and the changes that will upend our life before sundown is ‘what do I want for me?’
I don’t mean cars, clothes, trips, positive cash flow and a fat balance sheet. I mean, ‘what’s in it for me?’
Booze, drugs, sex, and fast cars will give you excitement.
But lasting value is parts of survival of the fittest, interacting with our environment whether physical, social or intellectual – and setting sail on our journey, charting a course based on what our moral compass says we should do, and then we can decide; not what we care about, but what we care about most.
I’ve written this column, not just to discuss an example of conflicting values from a chat with a friend but to flesh out what I’ve been going through recently – different issues, different outcomes – as I’ve wrestled with some difficult choices and direction changes.
Reader feedback:
Mark, we've come a long way together: boundaries are as you said granted most times to family and to be earned by those outside that familial circle. My compliments on a really good muse today. I appreciated your words writing gift today, JJ, Calgary, AB
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