But not for a long while, and when I am it is usually very brief.
Sadness about some things, in some form, is part of the every day but not dramatic.
When I throw out rotting fruit, I’m sad at the waste, that I missed out enjoying that fruit.
Sadness that doesn’t last long, doesn’t run deep and, at most, sends a mental memo to not over-buy or under-eat my fruit inventory.
When my friend Gary died in January, I was more mad than sad.
I’d been sad while he was sick, but upon learning of his death I was mad and glad. Mad that his family didn’t contact me. Then, a short while later, to be glad that the last conversation I’d had with him was on the day he died and I treasure what he told me that day.
When my dad died in March, I was glad for him.
Sure, I was sad at his passing and I miss him, think of him and treasure him often. But I was glad – so very glad – about how he died. Having a frail aged-one is a treat/burden/task/enjoyment unlike most of life’s experiences. I feared another fall. I feared a broken hip. I feared dementia. I feared pain. I feared all the medi-horrors we read and hear about. Feared them all. When end came it was swift, painless. He was conscious – lucid, talking to me just twenty minutes before he died. Who could not be glad of that?
No. Very glad I had nearly 63 years of him, which is far more than many get from their father.
The inference in that reader’s comment was probably drawn from some recent comments about changes in my life.
… well, not agony-type-change, but fundamental root change. I’m loving it. It causes me to rethink, re-assess and re-act to everything in my life and surroundings differently.
I’m glad. Not sad.
Thrilled. Not scared.
Grateful. Not regretful.
I’m new at being new.
I’m new at being so warmly welcomed and cheered as next-chapters unfold.
Is this projection?
Am I doing this, writing this, because I want to cover/disguise sadness with gladness?
Well, if I was sad, deeply sad, that might be a tactical move – but I expect it wouldn’t be a successful one.
While my experiences in life may be many, I profess no skill or training in the area of the psyche or psych-illogical world.
I observe what I do and try to figure out why.
I determine what I want in life and work to make it happen. I determine what I don’t want in my life – and try to eliminate the negative and counter-productive influences.
I’m no pro.
I’m an amateur trying very hard to turn pro …
I believe sadness has a lot to do with choice.
I choose not to be sad.
column written/ published from Calgary
morning walk: 7C / 57F, clear sky – fading stars and sliver-moon gave way to dawn, steady cool breeze, Gusta drenched in dew again, traffic humming as vacationers return to work …