INNER CONFLICT
… broiling, boiling – half cooked
Friday Feb. 28. 2014
My brain worked over-time yesterday.
To push through whole day and evening I self medicated – one great cup of coffee– caffeinated my brain so I could make it through bedtime.
Brain overtook.
My thoughts didn’t keep me up half the night, but my brain worked right through the night and delivered me to the morning – incomplete.
Half baked.
Half-eaten.
Words for food, or food for thoughts – idea portion, doing portion – debating and wooing portion, each idea becomes complex recipe of me without regard to serving it up ever as a meal for anyone else.
Just add sleep.
Just add water.
Will more thoughts help?
Will thinking out things, thinking through things, help me?
Either.
Or neither?
Peace and quiet.
Perhaps.
In this room – absence of others, silenced devices.
Early morning.
Tranquility interrupted by inability to control my own thoughts – mind goes where it wants rather than where I consciously point it.
Isn’t something that can be amputated, medicated or altered – because ending our brain’s chaotic transmission that sends us scurrying in multiple gears forward, reverse, up, down and sideways. As if I am a crane spinning out of control while part of me is a simple backhoe operator digging a hole. Whirl. Dig. Whirl. Dig.
I don’t understand that I don’t understand what I don’t understand but most of all I don’t understand the why of it let along how it can happen.
People and ideas don’t always mix well – but this isn’t a party where I can stay on one side of the room, all going on in my head right now.
Often.
Not every morning – but his morning for sure.
Mark Kolke
198,736
column written/ published from Calgary
morning walk: -22C (-31 wind chill) /-8F according to the weather station; light breeze and sunshine made it seem less foul. Moving day [month end] for some folks is pretty harsh. Gusta and I had a nice long walk without any competition for sidewalk space. A couple of ‘turning brown’ rabbits suggest spring, like March, is just around the corner.
Reader feedback / comments always welcome:
I must wipe the tears away before I try to write this response to KK's letter. Although he suggests that it was written to someone, it sounds like a letter to himself. I guess we all wake up to our purpose for being on this earth at different times. The letter has spoken to my heart and shows me that I too have been selfish, looking for the joy of a loving relationship and feeling that I would never be happy until that happened. However, I just finished reading an amazing book called Younger Next Year for Women by Chris Crowley and Henry S. Lodge. Henry is a doctor in his mid 40s and Chris is a man in his early 70s. They suggest that happiness is a choice, "It's a decision you make in your limbic brain, with little regard to external circumstances and with virtually no regard to money. Deciding to be happy may be the most serious commitment you can make for the renaissance years." Like KK, they suggest that small moments of helping others on our journey can be part of the answer along with playing whenever you can, CG, Cobourg, ON
In this day and age of Facebook “friending” it is nice to know someone that actually qualifies their acquaintances – some of whom become true friends. You are right - best way to get that, is be that, KK, Calgary, AB
