Some fighting going on inside my life – inside my head.
Went out only to walk Gusta. After my routine call to check on my dad, I didn’t talk to another person all day. Funny thing about no calls day is that nobody calls back. Fewer initiations, of anything, means more time to get things done – time for self-dialogue, for a mid-afternoon soak in the tub, to read, to write.
I don’t have days with so much free time (maybe I should schedule some!) to do what pleases me that much very often.
Typical work days, so driven by meetings, appointments, calls, call-backs and deadlines – this was like fasting for a day – foregoing nourishment of a different sort. I like on, life for and feast on conversation.
For a day and evening – I went without conversation.
No e-mail volleyball.
No text conversations.
Yesterday’s thoughts filled me past overflow.
Some about change.
Some about my resistance to change.
Some about things I don’t want to change.
Mixed in this are health and wellbeing thoughts about changes that deserve some re-making, diet and exercise chief among them because one of my chief focuses this year is blood pressure. As I work on that there ought to be lots of impacts besides feeling better, losing weight and being more active.
One of the bonuses of convenience, efficiency and habits is that we don’t think – because we don’t have to. Things are in their place, reminders and diaries are mechanized so we don’t forget appointments or birthday calls, furniture is arranged just the way we like to suit our needs and so we won’t bump into it in the dark. Our lives become compartments of routine for everything from driving familiar routes, doing particular things always on the day or evening allotted for that chore – without regard to efficiency or mental stimulation from the change – but because habits are comfortable. And comforting.
Without hesitation we do so many repetitive routine things, habit things. If we were in a different place, on vacation or had our life altered by forces we couldn’t control, what then? Who thinks about them much?
As changes take shape – new initiatives, landscape changes a little. Still, I’ll plunk my recycling in the same pile read morning papers at the same table, go to bed and get up with daily routines.
I know, unless I fight hard for it, won’t stray far from this box of conventionality. Outside the box thinking will not be my mantra – as much as I am interested in pursuing new ideas and projects – inside the box is where my skill-sets are stored, inside the box is where I am comfortable, inside THIS box is where I live.
My habits and routines are established – I could walk around my home and my life somewhat blindfolded and not bump into the furniture or fall in a deep hole. Not autopilot – but auto-comfortable, unfettered by confusion or distraction. That’s interesting to think about, because when things are frenetic and chaotic – adrenalin flows, ideas flow, activity levels go up and life is vibrant.
I want the emotional and intellectual pizzaz, I need relevance and value, I crave challenge and yet mistake activity for accomplishment too often.
Real change is really hard.
Go ahead – try to makes some in the world. If you think that might be too hard, start with trying to make some significant changes in your own little world of home, habits and how-you-think. As daunting as that is, imagine then – trying to change others.
Still, there is world out there in need of changing.
For each of us who believe that – change has to start with us changing us. In other words, before we change anything outside the box, we need to change things inside our own box.
Most of my day-to-day activities are not likely to change much.
I’ve been thinking about that, and why?
My writing routine for instance – the when, where and process of it and how resistant I am to change.
Shaking it up might be a good idea.
Needs more thought – possibly another day like yesterday would be helpful.
Today might be good for that . . .
column written/ published from Calgary
morning walk: 6C / 42F, light overcast, dark still when we walked. It warmed up (aren’t Chinook winds wonderful?), long hill-walk in the slush, footing was really good in the softened snow, traffic busier but very light for a work day. Gusta was, I believe, thrilled about the longer than usual walk and hopefully my body parts won’t ache too much as a result . . .
Hi Mark. Please don’t print my initials. Or location. Thanks! - I too recently had someone walk away from a new relationship. I made a small error in judgment, apologized and hoped we could move past it... Apparently not. I too am like you in the 'dog with a bone' category. So i attempted to recover and the person would not relent. Their text said 'this doesn't feel right and i go with my gut'. Wow how judgmental. Isn't everyone feeling unsure and scared about this process? And wouldn't our 'gut' tell us that every time we were about to meet someone? But as your posting today suggests lets be brave and 'step out'. Maybe I dodged the bullet of being with another judgmental person. But really why can't people chill out?!!!
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